Still Tired, Still Triggered, Still Trying

Wednesday afternoon after seeing this picture shared by a few people I had to log off and Wednesday night I began to relive the feelings of the same picture and I had to take off from work at 2 AM. A few of the pictures continue to painfully hit at home for me. I haven’t been able to look at a picture of Atatiana Jefferson without crying and feeling her presence since October. The phrase that could have been my brother, son, loved one hit home in 2017 when Jordan Edwards was someone near son, brother, newphew, friend.

With each new name thats said due to the same racism and systematic foolery – we pray for an arrest and charges that shouldn’t have to be asked for in situations that should not have ever happened and yet we still can’t breathe …

As many thoughts ran through my head from the facts to simply feeling what everyone was feeling … you know the feelings that we feel umm maybe every two weeks or less (time frame is based on if the murders of an innocent black person is shared nationally or not) ? Yes that feeling …

A very uncomfortable , scared of my own capabilities and thoughts, new feeling I didn’t understand came over me. Something about seeing Jordan Edwards and Atatiana Jefferson pictures on the first row of the picture above triggered me in a new way I had to sit with longer. I decided to use my feelings and put them into my organization. I spent the day orchestrating and plotting on my continued efforts for my target population of black girls and women and working on my outreach to them.

We protest, we share, we cry, we die and the cycle repeats itself… If my masters study didn’t teach me anything it taught me how we truly aren’t going to see change without effective policy. I sit and beat myself up on not taking the opportunities to sit with the great Congressman Ron Dellums on his few visits to our school of social work. Back then I told him “I’m going to create a universal gun policy with you” and he responded with willingness and eagerness. He knew the power of his stature paired with young, game chánging minds could make history, save some lives, and sadly he left us too soon.

As a person who enjoys talking I be lost for words these days y’all and torn between making a statement or protecting my own mental capacity. And this shit ain’t fair and probably never will be.

The murder of George Floyd is nothing new for America the murder of George Floyd is a consistent acceptable story line for America . The murder of George Floyd was cuased by a pandeic America choose to never some how find solutions or money to cure. A pandemic that has been around for over 400 years has not received even the slightest unviersal attention, funds, and urgency as our recent pandeic that hasnt even interuppted our lives for 4 months yet. The murder of George Floyed is a consistent wound that gets deeper and wider and goes beyond the mental peak level of trauma capacity for any human to handle. But black America continues to have to deal with this open wound while whites in America and many others try to give us cheap ass bandaids or even decide to pour alcohol in the wound with their actions, words and lack of both.

I share this to say. Let yourself feel what you have to feel. And lets find ways to allow those who would like to put efforts, put energy into preventative steps and creating the policy that either get these peasant police officers out or train them in a way where they get their racist asses comfortable with being uncomfortable around our bold, beautiful, black beings or make them so uncomfortable in training where they see this is not for them and they need to sit their asses down somewhere. And if they try to still use their whiteness to kill- set charges instantly and differently. Force them and their loved ones feel the burn so deep, similar to our openwound that they atleast will think twice and they will know it wont take us uproaring to have them in jail and rotten immediately.

I feel we have some options we can all choose to work on, demand our local offices to do, and be consistent

1. Policy – voice or help create policy that outlines an entire new law enforcement. Americas system isnt built for us but I do beleive the law enforcement system and racist murders can be charged a lot differently.

2. Move on to another country and take our talents and culture where it’s accepted and protected. (I’m just sharing my real constant thoughts and this is realistic)

3. Do the work and pour into your communities and create unbreakable communities – learn and apply all that we can

4. Encourage and empower officers to be leaders in their counties and states. Call out the injust things you know exist and demand universal cultural competancy and culture comfort. Your collegues fear black people and you need to help change that fact. It can truly start with you.

In the meantime,

Do your part today! Black, Brown, White, Yellow, Blue.



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