Last Night I Had A Panic Attack

Last night I had a panic attack. Now if you ask me how or why I could give you a few assumptions, but no definite reason, because the feeling was so unusual. It started with a tense feeling in my muscles and my body, so intense that it led to me feeling as if I needed to throw up. Which felt very strange because I could not think of anything I ate or did to have led to me needing to vomit. But then the tense muscles turned into feeling like I couldn’t breathe or I was severely short of breath. With each breath that I took, I felt as if I would stop breathing sooner or later… Which made me cry and fight to breathe harder…

Last night I had a panic attack and it may have been because of the tight, very narrow roads that my GPS decided to take me on after an event I attended. Which has me really confused because I stayed on nothing but main highways going but on the way back the “best route” was one of the most narrowest, woods surrounded, unknown roads…

country road pic

Last night I had a panic attack. Another assumption is because those roads gave me a feeling that I try to avoid unconsciously. Those roads reminded me of the road that I had never seen but heard about and created my own visuals of. Those roads reminded me of the road that took my fathers life. These roads were unknown to me just like the roads were to him where he took his last breath. These roads were unknown to me, and I just could not figure out WHY was I on this particular route. And it made me reflect again on the initial thoughts I had three years ago. How was he feeling while on that route, the route that took his life? Was he scared? As scared as I was last night. Did he have any guidance? Could he breathe? Was his body as tense as mine as he approached every unfamiliar curve or downward hill?

Last night I had a panic attack and I am still confused. As I saw a glimpse of the main road my body jerked into a release of some sort. I clinched the wheel, took a deep breath, and bawled like I haven’t in a long time. While using all my energy to concentrate and having hope for at least 15 minutes on these back roads that I will see light, I think I was more scared than I had known or thought. I think at times during the route I was forgetting to breathe. But finally it hit me. I saw lights, and other cars, and main roads. And I gasped for the biggest breath ever. As I breathed in I began to cry and scream as if I didn’t believe I would had made it out. As I turned on the high way I felt the urge to pull over but I couldn’t. I felt the need to stop crying, or at least stop screaming but I couldn’t. My body began to get really warm as I fought to catch my breath while at the same I time I cried because of relief of feeling hope. I turned on the AC as I tried to calm down and see and as I asked God to give me the strength to calm down to just see the road.

And as I calmed down… its almost as if I calmed down too much. My body was now numb. My body got extremely cold. I felt frozen. I felt emotionless. I felt calm and done. I think…I just had a panic attack was my initial thought as I rode down the high way. I reflected on a conversation earlier this year when a friend explained the one and only panic attack she had. I think her story helped me identify with what my body was going through physically and mentally and in essence, it help me self-regulate.

Last night I had a panic attack and I have no clue why… but I have assumptions and a few common denominators. Last night on those roads I was scared, I was reflecting on past trauma even as I thought I was blocking my mind to not think of it. I was actually reflecting on the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. I was confused. I was lost. And I was fearing a lot. I was fearing the unknown of the road, fearing that the trauma of my past that I have not been able to deal with, unveiling itself through the same way trauma entered my life when it took his…

Last night I had a panic attack. This morning, I booked my first therapy session.

 

 

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I would like to say thank you to friends who come into safe spaces with me and share their experiences. Last night would have been a lot worse if I was not given detail on what a panic attack can look like for someone. Thank you to friends who have given me no excuse on finding the right therapist for me. It is only the works of God that a friend mentioned to me a day ago how Therapy for Black Girls has a directory for women of color to choose a therapist in their area. Initially, I was like that is cool but knew that wouldn’t be something I needed soon, it simply wasn’t a “priority” for me personally.
Last night I had my first panic attack and I pray with seeking the right help it was my first and last!

12 thoughts on “Last Night I Had A Panic Attack

  1. Baby sister your words brought me to tears… I have felt the same way on a few occasions. Not knowing exactly what I’m feeling or why. I miss daddy too and I always feel like I missed so much witch makes me feel worse. I’m glad you’re ok and you’re taking the steps to deal with the awful trauma we had to endure 3 years ago. I love you baby and you can always call or text me. 😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Your words, your thoughts and your expressions have me speechless! You are an amazing beautiful young lady who has a big heart! You do so much for others and you deserve to take a break to cope with all that you’ve held within! It is a privilege to work with you! I admire your dedication and passion for helping others! I admire your independence! I admire your perseverance! I admire you!!! I hope that I too earn the privilege of being called your friend! ♥️♥️

    Your daddy raised a beautiful and smart young lady!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Daniela you have made my week. I’m so thankful for having the opportunity to know and work with you! I’ve personally learned and admired so much from your work ethic and passion! You are such a great person and I appreciate every kind word you said. And of course, we just have to finally set up our painting with a twist night soon 💕☺️

      Like

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